How Can I Get My Kids to Get Along?
Sometimes it takes your involvement
Chapter 5: How Can I Get My Kids to Get Along?
One of the most effective ways to help your kids learn how to get along is to model healthy conflict resolution in your own relationships—especially in your marriage. Your children are always watching, and the way you and your spouse handle disagreements speaks volumes. Pay attention to how you talk to each other when there’s tension. Be careful to control your emotions, especially in front of your children. Forgive quickly. Don’t use silence as a form of punishment or hold grudges. Apologize—even when you feel like you weren’t the one at fault. Assume the best of your spouse, and don’t take things personally that weren’t meant that way. When you’re in a disagreement, ask yourself: “Am I trying to win this argument, or am I trying to solve the problem?”
The same principle applies to your kids. When conflict arises between them, don’t assume they’ll just work it out on their own—especially if one child is older, louder, or more persuasive than the other. That dynamic can easily become unhealthy and hurtful if left unchecked. On the flip side, some younger children learn to manipulate situations or win through charm or persistence. Either way, we as parents need to step in when things escalate or when a pattern of injustice begins to emerge.
Fairness matters deeply to children. To guide them well, we need to know our kids—really know them. Their personalities, tendencies, and relational patterns. It takes discernment and a lot of patient questioning to sort through their disagreements, but that investment is worth it. The goal is not just behavior management but the formation of godly character.
Now, I know what you may be thinking: I don’t have time for all of this! Believe me, I get it. Especially when you have multiple children, the sheer number of little grievances can feel overwhelming. You don’t need to insert yourself into every minor squabble. But when something is clearly getting out of hand, take the time to step in. Pause. Count to ten if you need to. Remember that they’re still learning, and you are their guide. These situations are not interruptions—they are teaching opportunities.
And above all, try to parent your children the way God parents us—with grace, mercy, and wisdom.
Talk with your kids often about what kind of family you want to be. Let them know that God intentionally placed you all together. Remind them that families are meant to love, support, and protect one another. Encourage them to show even more kindness to their siblings than they do to friends or strangers. Friends may come and go, but your family will always be part of your life.
Create a culture in your home where kindness is the norm. Say things like:
“In our family, we treat each other with kindness and understanding.”
“We want what’s best for each other.”
“We value each other’s opinions and ideas.”
“We forgive quickly and speak words of love.”
Better yet, sit down as a family and write a Family Mission Statement together. Let your children help you craft it, so they have ownership of it. Include statements like:
“In our family, we treat each other with respect.”
“Douglases are kind and helpful to one another.”
Here’s what our family mission statement looks like:
To live out the kind of life that God wants Christian families to live.
To teach other families how to live together in love and kindness, with God at the center of all we do.
To glorify God in all that we say and do.
I shared more about this in a blog post here, including this encouraging quote from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families:
“Don’t expect perfection or get frustrated when you miss the mark. Having a target to aim for helps your family rally around a common purpose and define who you are.”
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s purpose. When your children feel proud of being part of a family with values and direction, they’ll be more likely to live in a way that reflects those values.
Also, be careful not to show favoritism. Make sure each child knows they are loved, seen, and valued. Of course, some children require more attention than others, and some are more independent. That’s okay. Just make sure every child knows they matter to you and that you’re always available when they need you.
Discourage competition and comparison. Be alert to their conversations. Don’t allow name-calling or teasing that crosses the line. Talk to your children about how humor can sometimes hurt feelings, even unintentionally. Teach them to live by the Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Encourage empathy. It doesn’t come naturally for most kids—it must be taught, modeled, and reinforced.
Help them memorize verses about kindness and humility. Here are a few good ones:
Philippians 2:3 — “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”
1 Corinthians 10:24 — “No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”
James 3:16 — “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”
Romans 15:2 — “Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.”
Matthew 7:12 — “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”
Read stories together that teach the consequences of selfishness and the rewards of kindness. Jesus’ parables are full of wisdom for this.
Here’s a helpful conflict resolution guide I found and have used to great effect. These are the 10 steps I follow to help my kids get along (adapted from an article by Emily May on The Good Men Project):
Intervene when necessary. Don’t leave your kids to manage big conflicts on their own.
Let each child share their side. Allow them to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Validate their emotions. Show empathy and make sure they feel heard.
Point out better choices. Gently show how each child could have responded differently.
Encourage empathy. Help them understand how the other person may have felt.
Repeat for the other child. Ensure both sides feel seen and respected.
Encourage ownership. Guide them to take responsibility for their part in the conflict.
Reflect and clarify. Ask if they understand the root of the conflict and the other’s perspective.
Collaborate on a solution. Help them brainstorm ways to make it right and move forward.
Make a plan for next time. Equip them with tools to de-escalate future conflicts.
When your children know what is expected of them, and when they feel that your home is a safe and loving place, they’ll naturally strive for peace. Conflict won’t disappear completely—it’s part of life—but your kids will learn to work through it in a way that builds their character and strengthens their bond.
This is taken from Chapter 5 of the book Dear Struggling Homeschool Mom, I See You, available on Amazon. In the book you’ll find a Family Mission Statement template and discussion guide and a whole lot more.
Thank you - love this!!