How Do I Get My Kids to Listen?

A few keys I've learned

How Do I Get My Kids to Listen?

It takes a lot of training—and a lot of grace—to teach your kids to listen. Some children seem naturally compliant. They want to please you, they obey easily, and they make you feel like you’ve got this parenting thing down. But then… there are the others.

When I became a mom in the early ’90s, I listened to Focus on the Family every day. Dr. James Dobson felt like my personal parenting coach. I devoured his books and took his advice to heart. It didn’t take long before I realized I needed his most well-known book, The Strong-Willed Child. He explained how some children are naturally compliant and make us feel like rockstar parents—until the next child is born. And if that one is strong-willed? The whole house of cards comes tumbling down—sometimes literally.

Well, I was “blessed” with a strong-willed child first. Then my second child turned out to be even more strong-willed than the first! So I never did get to bask in the false glow of parental greatness.

My firstborn was a mystery to me. Some days he would cooperate and do what I asked. But then his inner rebel would emerge, and suddenly, nothing worked. I was baffled. I tried Dr. Dobson’s advice—I evaluated whether it was childishness or outright defiance, disciplined without anger (as much as possible), offered choices to avoid power struggles, and tried reasoning (because toddlers are so reasonable, right?). But some days, no matter what I did, he just threw a fit for no clear reason.

Then came child number two, who had zero interest in being managed. That girl wanted to be her own mother! She did not appreciate my efforts to direct her life in any way.

So I had to learn a different approach—one rooted in respect. I began to recognize that my kids weren’t just little people to control, but full human beings made in the image of God. I worked hard to speak to them with kindness and to treat their thoughts and feelings with dignity. Now that they’re grown, they tell me how much they appreciated that. They remember how I asked their opinions and really listened. That means so much to me.

So how did I actually get them to listen and obey?

Here’s what I learned.

It All Begins with Relationship

Listening flows out of connection. If your child’s heart is tied to yours, they’ll be far more likely to hear your voice and respond. So before we focus on rules or routines, we have to focus on relationship. That means intentionally investing time in each child—getting to know them, showing interest in their world, and pouring into them with affection, patience, and presence.

When our kids know they are deeply loved, their hearts are more open—not just to us, but to God. And if we model a loving, kind authority, they are more likely to view God that way too.

Over time, as our children mature, they begin to want to please God, and that transfers into a heart that wants to honor us as their parents. That’s where true obedience is born—not out of fear, but out of love and trust. We can teach them what Scripture says: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. (Ephesians 6:1–2)

Discipline with Purpose, Not Just Punishment

When children disobey or act disrespectfully, they need consequences—clear, consistent ones. Not out of anger or frustration, but out of love. They need to understand that choices have results, both good and bad. That’s one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

I always tried to make the consequence match the behavior when possible. That way, it feels fair and connected to their actions. I also rewarded good behavior with praise or privileges. But I want to emphasize: our kids are not animals to be trained with mere behavior modification. They are eternal souls. They need heart-level connection, not just external correction.

That’s why explanations matter. We need to take time to explain our expectations, the reasons behind our rules, and the value of what we’re asking them to do. Their thoughts and preferences matter. Even when they can’t have their way, they need to know they were heard and respected.

Make Learning a Joy, Not a Battle

Let’s talk about getting kids to do their schoolwork—because yes, listening and learning often collide!

First, we have to ask ourselves: Is what I’m asking my child to do truly valuable and age-appropriate? If we’re giving them busywork or overwhelming them with unrealistic expectations, no wonder they resist. But when we focus on real-life learning—when the work is meaningful, when it connects to their interests, when it helps them grow in ways they can see—they’re far more likely to engage.

Homeschooling shouldn’t feel like drudgery. Let it be an adventure. Get excited with your kids about the things they’re exploring. When they’re passionate about a subject, they’ll pursue it eagerly. Help them follow those rabbit trails of curiosity. Guide them, equip them, and enjoy the process with them.

And remember, our job is not to replicate the classroom—it’s to create a lifestyle of learning. When your home is filled with conversation, books, curiosity, and discovery, kids learn naturally. They want to learn. You’ll spend far less energy “making” them do schoolwork when their hearts are already engaged.

Obedience Grows in the Soil of Love

Ultimately, getting our kids to listen comes down to winning their hearts and training their minds. We want them to grow into people who know how to hear God’s voice, not just ours. We want to raise children who know they are loved deeply, who understand authority rightly, and who walk in wisdom—not because they were controlled, but because they were discipled.

And that starts with us. When we model patience, respect, consistency, and love, we lay the groundwork for our children to become good listeners—first to us, and then to the Lord.

Chapter 4 of Dear Struggling Homeschool Mom, I See You!

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